“This verdict is a victory for megastar abusers everywhere,” explained Depp’s attorney, Camille Vasquez. “While things looked dicey due to the mountain of evidence that my client did indeed assault his ex-wife – all corroborated by witness statements and photos – luckily justice prevailed when the jury took into account that Johnny Depp has headlined far more successful movies than Amber Heard.”
“Many of which were made before the woman he would marry and beat was even born,” Vasquez added. “I mean, the Pirates franchise alone puts him way ahead. No further questions.”
The trial has stretched on for months, revealing a bitter and toxic relationship in which Depp was confirmed to have been violent and abusive, however, experts agreed that in the end Heard lost the case due to her worldwide box office not even coming close to Depp’s.
“Sure, Johnny Depp lost a 2020 defamation suit against the British Sun tabloid for calling him an outright ‘wife beater’, but this is America,” explained Hollywood legal expert Mikey Starmore. “Here in the US of A, facts are facts: Johnny Depp terrorized his ex-wife, BUT his leading actor roles have also grossed over $8.2 billion at the worldwide box office. Heard’s grosses haven’t even cracked a billion. Case closed.”
The news of Depp being found a bigger celebrity than Heard was greeted with an outpouring of enthusiastic support from the Edward Scissorhands star’s loyal following of creeps, shitposters, men’s rights activists, general starfuckers, and Ben Shapiro.
“My man Johnny is a way bigger star than Amber TURD, therefore nothing she said about him was admissible in a court of law,” said viral TikTok star @AyeAyeCaptain. “I mean, this dude was Jack Sparrow, Donnie Brasco, AND Willy Wonka – no way is the third lead from Aquaman gonna take him down in court.”
“Maybe if she’s been in a few Marvel movies, I’d believe her. But she wasn’t, so I don’t,” explained @LetsGetHeard, another massively successful TikToker who posts nothing but Amber Heard testimony lip sync videos. “Anyway, hashtag #JusticeforJohnnyDepp, hashtag #AllWomenAreLiars!”
While domestic abuse experts have speculated that this trial will have far reaching effects for female survivors of abuse, legal expert Starmore dismisses this worry.
“Women are gonna be fine, just so long as they are bigger celebrities than their husbands who hit them,” Starmore explained. When asked how women who aren’t famous can keep from being silenced by their partners who abuse them, Starmore answered “Not famous – you mean like TV actors?”
At press time, the Depp/ Heard verdict is indeed the reason the worst guy in your office has had a shit-eating grin all afternoon.