MONTREAL – “It must be seasonal allergies,” says 25-year-old Kyle Miller, as he blows his nose and coughs. Miller has never before had any seasonal allergies, but he does have tickets to a Vampire Weekend concert and he really, really wants to go.
Miller has been lucky enough to avoid getting COVID so far, because he wears a mask, regularly washes his hands, and has a remarkable ability to explain away his symptoms instead of self-isolating.
He was exposed to COVID at a family holiday party in December, but while he felt fatigued and feverish for several days afterward, Miller blamed the symptoms on the post-Christmas blues.
He also managed to steer clear of COVID when he attended a super-spreader party last summer, although he did lose his sense of taste for a week. Luckily he did not test positive, because he did not take a test.
“My girlfriend has hay fever, so she must have given it to me,” says Miller, who clearly doesn’t know what hay fever actually is but thinks it must be the cause of his runny nose, sore throat, full body rash, and near constant diarrhea.
“There’s no way it could be COVID,” he continues, as his temperature rises above 38° Celsius/100.4° Fahrenheit. “I just have a naturally high body temperature like a hummingbird.”
Miller has, coincidentally, come down with a bad case of food poisoning at least once during all six waves of the pandemic. He has also been sick with the common cold, a mild case of whooping cough, and a brief bout of scurvy. Never COVID, though. Definitely not COVID.
“Obviously if I had COVID I would just stay home,” Miller explains. “But it’s highly unlikely I have it, because I’m fully vaccinated and my concert ticket is non-refundable.”