OTTAWA – The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission has approved the acquisition of Shaw broadcasting services by Rogers in a move being touted as in ‘the best interest of the feeble-minded Canadian consumer.’
Ian Scott, chairperson and CEO of the CRTC, said in a statement Thursday. “We’ve listened to the pleas of everyday Canadians and resoundingly their main concern is they’re tired of paying too much…attention to which telecom providers they can choose from.”
“I mean, Rogers, Telus, Bell, and Shaw? It’s insane I can’t even remember the start of that list, it’s so long. These poor folks are so overwhelmed with options, I imagine that all they can do is roll on the ground clutching their little heads in agony.”
Rogers’ proposed buyout of Shaw’s sixteen cable broadcasting stations, national satellite service, and other media assets would expand its reach to 47% of English language broadcasts, freeing up to 80% of Canadians from the harmful act of choosing.
The Beaverton reached out to several local news stations set to be acquired, and received identically-worded responses stating the stations believed the merger to be ‘good and fair and whatever else their new parent company says’.
“This approval is an important step towards completing our merger with Shaw. Working together, we will be able to offer Canadian consumers and businesses far less choice and competition than either company alone.” said Tony Staffieri, President and CEO of Rogers.
“But rest assured, we will not stop until the entire country is crushed beneath our telecommunications monolith and Canadians everywhere are finally free from the nightmarish burden of choice.” he added, tearing up.
In related news, Rogers has announced a new joint-venture with Telus and Bell where the Big Three set their ‘prices’ at ‘fixed’ amounts in order to finally free Canadians from the cumbersome bother of choosing how much they pay for their internet and phone plans.