LETHBRIDGE – According to local sources, Alex and Taylor Shepherd’s plans for a date night have been scaled back to lethargic hand stuff in front of the TV.
“I was going to treat Alex to dinner at a fancy restaurant, and then we were going to go bowling,” Taylor said. “But Alex was so tired after work they didn’t think they’d have the energy to bowl.”
“I was still excited about the restaurant, but then Taylor took a second look at the prices,” Alex said. “I think they just really wanted to go straight to the bowling. I know they want to improve their fingering, but those heavy balls are just too much work for me.”
Taylor insisted they would have been happy going to a chain restaurant so long as it got them out of the house, but after half an hour of fruitlessly trying to decide between Swiss Chalet and Applebee’s the couple decided to just order a pizza and watch a movie.
“If we’re not spending money on a fancy meal then we might as well not spend money on a babysitter either,” Alex said. “I tried salvaging the evening by slipping into my sexiest flannel pyjamas, but in retrospect I can see how cartoon alpacas declaring ‘It’s time for bed!’ could be misinterpreted.”
The couple debated between comedy and horror before remembering they had ordered pizza last night, at which point Taylor got a late night work email and a hungry Alex left to go open a can of tomato soup.
“I was still down for oral later, but then I got sucked into a video game,” Alex said. “Then the kids wouldn’t go to sleep, and once we finally got them down we both got really into scrolling Twitter.”
“At that point it’s almost midnight and we just want to squeeze in one episode of MasterChef and maybe listlessly paw at each other’s genitals before we pass out,” Taylor said.
At press time, hand stuff night was being downgraded to a promise of hand stuff on an unspecified night next week.