BERLIN ― New research from the Berlin University of the Arts has revealed that those with the greatest tendency to play music at maximum volume on subways, in college dorms, and while biking through previously pleasant parks are also the most likely to prefer music that is complete shit. This confirms statistically a known phenomenon, which the authors dub “the Dunning-Crooner effect.”
“Graphing the number of occurrences and decibel volume of each song against various measures of musical quality returned a strong negative linear relationship in every case. Songs with electronically-generated backgrounds, extreme abuse of autotune, and above all, shallow lyrics, appeal to jerks who subject others to their preferred brand of aural torture far more than songs that are actually good,” claimed the study’s abstract.
Genres and artists that use varied instruments like violin or saxophone, or even just drums and guitars played by talented musicians instead of computers, are heard rarely. Similarly, songs that deal with heavier topics, such as politics, war, poverty, or natural disasters, take a backseat to some random dude’s recent breakup and some random girl’s recent infatuation with a guy she will no sooner marry than divorce.
The findings also show an inclination to play music inappropriate for the situation. In particular, the occurrence of songs centered around partying and dancing varies proportionally with proximity to a funeral home.
The researchers spent hours reading lyrics to learn what the fuck singers were going on about in the barely-enunciated reprieves from nonsense like “na na na,” “hey, hey, hey,” and “yeah, yeah, yeah.”
“We hypothesize that filler words are there so that fans who incorrectly believe they are decent singers can exacerbate already awful songs without memorizing lyrics, or perhaps simply to cover up embarrassing instrumentals,” commented lead author Johann Mann. “In any case, their frequency varies inversely with a reasonable volume.”
The study comes at a cost, as several authors are now in therapy to cope with long-term exposure to DIY mixtapes and undiscovered stars. It is, however, a huge breakthrough, providing data to justify your choice not to get your teenaged nephew the speaker on his Christmas list and instead buy him a good set of headphones, while explaining that these are what considerate people wear.
In related news, another study has found that people who believe it’s acceptable to bring a screaming toddler into a classy restaurant are significantly more likely to want children than those who don’t.