AURORA, ONT. – While the Liberals and Conservatives remain neck-and-neck in the polls, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was at pains to convince Canadians that electoral reform is not a mouldering corpse whose existence was ended by Trudeau himself.
When asked about the status of electoral reform at a campaign stop today, Trudeau laughed and said that electoral reform is alive and well and could make an appearance at any time. He then babbled incoherently for around 20 minutes about all the things he’d do if only he could be PM for another six years but couldn’t do for some reason during his first six years in office, until a large windowless van appeared behind him.
“And here’s electoral reform now, folks!” Trudeau said, opening the door of the van. Trudeau then grabbed electoral reform’s arm and used it to wave to the crowd, who despite a strong wind were still able to detect the odor of advanced decay coming from the vehicle.
Electoral reform, which hasn’t been seen publicly since 2017, did not appear to be moving on its own as it was lifted out of the van by Trudeau. The concept of fair Canadian elections that more accurately reflect the will of the voting public was wearing large sunglasses, a wide-brimmed hat, and a face mask, all of which made it impossible for spectators to see if electoral reform had any life in it at all.
“Electoral reform is not in the best shape, it’s been hurt pretty badly by a lack of consensus from the other parties. But as you can see, it’s still here, and I still support it,” Trudeau said, struggling to keep electoral reform upright while turning his own face away in an apparent effort to avoid the stench.
“I’ve never flinched in my desire for ranked ballots,” Trudeau abruptly concluded, appearing to want to say more before he suddenly stopped, tossed electoral reform’s seemingly lifeless body back in the van, and ran behind the van so he could throw up.
“Anyway,” Trudeau said after rinsing out his mouth and thoroughly sanitizing his hands, “electoral reform is very tired and will not be making more appearances during this election, but maybe, if the Liberals get another majority, you’ll all get to see it again.”
At press time, first-past-the-post was offering journalists a tell-all interview about how it’s secretly been the linchpin of Trudeau’s election strategy for years and was in the room when electoral reform was permanently sacrificed on an altar of power by the entire Liberal caucus.