Unable to find a single officer not under investigation, Canadian military now under command of local Girl Guide - The Beaverton
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Unable to find a single officer not under investigation, Canadian military now under command of local Girl Guide

OTTAWA – Following the revelation that defence chief Admiral Art McDonald has stepped down due to an investigation into a sexual misconduct allegation just weeks after defence chief Gen. Jonathan Vance stepped down due to an investigation into sexual misconduct allegations, the government has appointed 12-year-old Girl Guide Stephanie Merchant as the head of the Canadian .

“We were fruitlessly scouring the ranks of all of the branches of the Canadian military for a suitable candidate who isn’t currently being investigated for something terrible, and then I remembered the cheerful girl who sells me delicious cookies every year,” Harjjit Sajjan said in a press conference to announce Stephanie’s new role as Canada’s top soldier. “What Stephanie lacks in experience and rank, she more than makes up for in not having any sexual misconduct allegations against her.”

Stephanie, a 6th grader who recently graduated to the Pathfinders level of the Guide organization and is highly respected for her leadership abilities, emotional maturity, and being the only member of her troop who can make a campfire without matches, understands the massive responsibility that has been placed upon her and feels she is up to the challenge.

“The government told me all I have to do to succeed in this role is not have a history of inappropriate relationships with my subordinates, which isn’t a problem for me, I haven’t even been to a kissing party yet,” Stephanie said.

While the Liberals have continued their longstanding policy of not vetting any candidate before placing them in important positions and are relying solely on Stephanie’s word that she has no improper or criminal activity in her past that would disqualify her from holding such a crucial position within the military, they believe Stephanie’s age and sunny attitude will be enough to keep this appointment from blowing up in their faces like so many have before.

“I did kinda lie about my grades, just a little,” Stephanie confessed. “I didn’t tell them I got a C in Social Studies last year. But the government hasn’t even called the school to check, so I think it’s okay.”

Despite only being on the job for one day, Stephanie has already instituted a massive overhaul of the armed forces’ moribund investigative branches, brought in outside experts to root out and remove predators from the chain of command, and pre-sold nearly ten thousand boxes of Military Mint Cookies to cover this year’s budget shortfall.