LONDON, ON — A local man indistinguishable from any other man wants the woman he just met to know that she’s “not like other girls.”
Adam Adamson, 29, discovered the “girl” in question last week while sitting on his Ikea sofa, scrolling Tinder and waiting for his Chipotle order to arrive. As he settled in to rewatch his all-time favourite film, The Empire Strikes Back, it hit him: this girl was different.
“Other girls immediately see through my massively inflated ego, complete lack of respect for boundaries, and fragile masculinity,” said Adamson, who exclusively refers to grown-ass women as “girls.” “But this one, she’s totally different. She thinks I’m special.”
When asked what made the woman herself special, Adamson raved about his date’s many extraordinary qualities. “She is such a great listener,” Adamson said when asked what she looked like. “She didn’t say one word the entire date. It’s so nice to meet someone who has a genuine interest in getting to know the real me.”
Adamson went on to share that his date also has a wonderful sense of humour. “She laughed at all my jokes,” he shared enthusiastically. “Girls don’t usually get my humour because I’m into really alt comics like Dane Cook and Dave Chappelle. So that was refreshing.”
Adamson also made sure to let his date know that he was “seriously impressed” by her, despite having zero notable accomplishments of his own. “It’s so great to meet someone who shares my unique interests,” said Adamson, whose interests include sports, craft beer, and boobs. “For example, she told me that she’s been a professional writer for ten years, and I’ve dabbled in writing myself! I even offered to give her notes on some of her work.”
At the end of the date, Adamson invited the woman back to his place, by which he meant his bachelor apartment containing a single towel, several expired condoms, and bed sheets he has not changed in thirteen months. When the woman declined, citing how they had “literally just met”, Adamson called her a whore and immediately went back on Tinder.
Unfortunately, the “girl” herself was unavailable for comment, as Adamson could not recall her name.