KINGSTON, ON – Canadians took a moment of silence today to recognize the important sacrifices former Hockey Night in Canada commentator Don Cherry made to turn a sacred event into a spectacle advancing his career and personal brand.
The warrior known as “Grapes” dutifully put himself front-and-centre at every veteran narrative despite having never served in the military to expand his celebrity status.
“Thank you Don Cherry for your service,” said 15-year-old Blake Scott placing his Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em DVD on the grave of the Unknown Sports Commentator. “I don’t know what this day is really about, but I know he has done so much for veterans.”
Whether it was visiting the troops in Afghanistan or shaming “you people” for not wearing poppies, a camera recording his heroic thumbs up was never far away.
“I remember Cherry’s poppy suits in early November,” said hockey fan Dale Smith. “He had a lot of courage to twist a respectful symbol into something bombastically comical.”
Ultimately paying the highest sacrifice, being fired from his beloved Coach’s Corner, the veteran blowhard continues to serve his country by serving himself.
Meanwhile, the Toronto Star editorial board explained that they printed Cherry’s opinion on poppies because it would be “too sad if it were a real veteran.”