Breaking: USA does bare minimum - The Beaverton

Breaking: USA does bare minimum

WASHINGTON D.C. – After a gruelling five days of counting votes between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Joe Biden, the American people have pulled forward to do the absolute bare minimum.

After four long years of the Trump administration’s daily lying, owing millions of dollars to foreign companies, whipping up white supremacist violence, calling countries shitholes, exerting influence over foreign nations for personal gain, continuing wars in Afghanistan, assassinating Iranian political figures, deploying federal agents to kidnap protestors in unmarked vans, dismissing anyone not loyal to the Trump regime, locking children into cages, and doing nothing while 240,000 American citizens die from COVID-19, the US stood up and said: “If I have to.”

“It was a long road,” Democratic organizer Charles Hoffman told the press gallery, “but after knee-capping any chance of medicare for all, ignoring popular support for progressive ideas, and allowing Republicans to get away with pretty much everything, we knew the American public would shrug their shoulders for us.”

Reports are flooding in of celebrations taking place nation-wide that the 2020 election only technically disavowed an American fascist movement for a brief time, and pretty much nothing else.

“We’d like to thank the largely Black and People of Colour local organizers across the country who worked tirelessly so that we could take their votes for granted,” Hoffman continued. “Seriously, can you imagine if we had to do it ourselves? Sounds like a little too much effort, to be honest.”

The tally, currently sitting at 273 electoral votes for Joe Biden, and 214 for Donald Trump, proved that even doing the bare minimum was not remotely an option for almost half the voting public.

“This is fucking horseshit,” said Georgian Trump voter Frank Cameron while loading an AR-15 and donning an Atomwaffen mask. “I can’t believe we can’t get more than ONE open Nazi elected to office. Fucking cucks gonna make me actually have to go out and actively make fascism happen faster than usual.”

President-elect Joe Biden’s first announcement included a thank you to the voting public and a willingness to work with the party that is still demanding their voter base behead and assassinate vote counters and Democrats en masse.