“I like to have a ‘thing.’ It’s just a smart way to brand yourself!” the freelance marketing consultant reported merrily from her apartment. “My thing used to be telling people how much work I had to do and how it was so much more work then they had to do. Before that, my thing used to be only drinking expensive pour-overs, but then everyone else caught onto third-wave coffee.”
Perera’s acquaintances and colleagues have forgone asking her how she’s doing over Zoom calls, since such an open-ended question was typically met by an extensive breakdown of the various stool softeners she was using at the current moment.
“I also have IBS and was really excited to talk to Ayesha about our chronic condition, but she got all angry and defensive and asked me if I even had a diagnosis from a doctor,” said former friend Leila Hampton. “It just seems weird to gatekeep IBS?”
“I’ve cut out foods that irritate my large intestine such as alcohol and caffeine as well as the ability to talk about anything else besides my beloved quirky affliction!” Perera shouted from her bathroom.
At press time, Perera was seen browsing WebMD, nodding to herself.