WASHINGTON – After testing positive for COVID-19, an irate U.S. President Donald Trump called Russian President Vladimir Putin on Friday morning to tell him that the Russian-made vaccine he was given was “complete junk.”
“Vlad, Vlad, listen. You know how much I respect you,” a coughing, feverish Trump told Putin through a backchannel to the Kremlin. “But this spoogenik thing you sent… it did nothing. Nothing.”
A dose of Sputnik V, the vaccine recently developed in Russia during a fast-tracked process many scientists fear bypassed rigorous medical review, was sent to Trump last month as part of the special rations given to every Russian agent.
Despite injecting himself with the vaccine, Trump tested positive for the coronavirus yesterday and has since developed symptoms, which sparked a barrage of angry tweets from the president.
“This is RUSSIAN RUBBISH for the CHINA PLAGUE,” tweeted Trump. After Putin reminded Trump of his continued obligations to the federation, Trump has since deleted all the critical tweets and posted, “As part of our improved relations with Russia, I have decided to help them with Stage 3 of the vaccine trials.”
In another call to calm down Trump, Putin purportedly consoled the US president by telling him that Russia has “the best people” who will “take care of him” after the November election.
Trump jumped at this opportunity, since he has been planning a trip to Russia anyway.