NRA accused of embezzling thoughts and prayers - The Beaverton
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NRA accused of embezzling thoughts and prayers

MANHATTAN – The attorney general of New York has launched a lawsuit alleging the National Rifle Association has engaged in decades-long fraud involving the embezzlement of members’ thoughts and prayers.

Following an 18 month investigation, New York AG Letitia James claimed in her lawsuit that leaders have spent decades not only defrauding millions of dollars from their members, but also embezzled countless precious thoughts and irreplaceable prayers intended to take the place of meaningful gun reform.

“It would appear that, following years of gun-related violence, that NRA leaders not only skimmed thoughts and prayers for themselves, but that they actively encouraged members to contribute their own thoughts and prayers in order to increase their own ill-gotten gains,” AG James explained at a press conference.

James went on to outline how NRA executives, including Executive VP Wayne LaPierre, general counsel John Frazer, and former CFO Woody Phillips facilitated the skimming of thoughts and prayers. “This included misusing charitable thoughts and prayers for personal gain, awarding thoughts and prayers to friends and family members, and providing thoughts and prayers to former employees to buy their silence,” the AG concluded.

As gun violence has climbed over recent years, the National Rifle Association has become the United States’ leading purveyor of post-mass shooting thoughts and prayers. The New York AG seeks to dissolve the NRA in its entirety, though warns that the millions of stolen thoughts and prayers “will likely never be recovered.”

Reached for comment, several NRA members were outraged by the news. “I’m shocked,” explained Dale Garrity of Plano, Texas. “Do you know what this means? After all those horrific school shootings and terrible automatic rifle massacres, none of the thoughts and prayers that NRA members sent along actually made their way to any of the victims.”

“I can’t believe my thoughts and prayers only went to line Wayne LaPierre’s pockets,” added a dismayed Garrity.

In a related story, AG James refused to confirm whether her office was probing the NRA’s alleged illegal laundering of Russian thoughts and prayers.