EDMONTON – As calls are going out to defund and demilitarize police forces across North America, the Edmonton Police Service are loudly proclaiming themselves to be completely unaware of the current political climate with their purchase of a new “tactical armoured truck.”
“We have no access to news reports, social media, or general conversation with other humans and we think this is a great time to spend half a million dollars on a piece of military equipment to menace and control the population of Edmonton,” a spokesperson for the EPS said while announcing the purchase.
While many police forces have recently demonstrated that they are utterly unable to comprehend or adapt to the current historical moment, the Edmonton Police Force is proving themselves to be among the elite in burying their heads in expensive armoured sand.
“We know the people of Edmonton will be pleased to learn their police force is so well equipped to deal with combat conditions,” the EPS spokesperson continued, “because citizens love it when law enforcement makes it clear they view the population they are ostensibly tasked with protecting like the enemy in an active warzone.”
The purchase of the armoured vehicle was approved two years ago and the city councillors involved in that approval have defended their actions, with one arguing “this was a good idea in 2018 because opposition to police militarization didn’t exist then, we only found out this year that people think public servants shouldn’t have tanks.”
At press time the EPS was proud to introduce a new public relations program wherein uniformed officers stop BIPOC on the street and give them a greeting card featuring a cartoon police officer telling them to have a great day, a process the EPS is referring to as “carding.”