TORONTO – A fight nearly broke out on a streetcar earlier today between a fully-grown adult man and a two-month-old baby named Benjamin. Onlookers reported seeing the infant begin the fight by staring at the man in what was described as “an obvious display of aggressive intent.”
Mark Robinson was the unfortunate passenger on the streetcar who experienced the full brunt of the baby’s threatening gaze.
“Look at that little asshole,” he reportedly proclaimed to a woman next to him, staring unblinkingly back into the baby’s innocent blue eyes. “He’s been staring at me for five minutes. I can tell he’s just itchin’ for a rumble. Oh, he might look adorable and completely unable to move without his mother’s help, but that’s just what he wants me to think. Trust me— I take my eyes off of his tiny cherubic face for even a second and his chubby fists are gonna start flying.”
Caroline Davis, a research assistant specializing in child development at the University of Toronto, explained that Robinson was entirely correct in his assumptions.
“It’s a well-known fact that infants begin looking for combat opportunities the moment they leave the womb,” she exclaimed, putting the finishing touches on a tiny pair of boxing gloves for a current research subject. “They recognize that staring down a challenger is the surest way to begin a fight. They’re like lions- it’s just animal instinct.”
“They might not have object permanence yet, but they know they hate you.”
Benjamin’s mother Carol defended her son, arguing that he had been extra fussy that morning and was just looking for someone to take it out on.
“That terrible man didn’t have to take the bait,” she huffed. “He could have just acknowledged my son’s dominance and looked away. But no, he stared right back and asked my sweet little Ben if ‘he was feelin’ lucky.’ Well, that’s a surefire way to get yourself a baby-sized smackdown.”
Luckily for everyone on the streetcar, the fight was avoided when Benjamin broke the tension by pooping his pants.