Paranoid parent checks child’s trick-or-treat haul for rainbow-coloured candies - The Beaverton

Paranoid parent checks child’s trick-or-treat haul for rainbow-coloured candies

BELLEVILLE, ON ― In order to prevent anybody from slipping in something that might cause no end of imaginary harm to her daughter, local mother Jenna Bailey instructed her 8-year-old today not to eat any candy until she had come home and had it checked for rainbows.

Dressed up in a traditionally feminine Halloween costume (but not the potentially lesbian Elsa from Frozen and not a black cat because then she might want to use a litter box), Charlene dashed out of the house ahead of her older brother, returning two hours later staggering under the weight of her bag.

She then proceeded to dance around impatiently while her mother removed Smarties, Rockets, Skittles, and practically everything else colourful, except for one package of Sour Patch kids that, upon being opened, was deemed acceptable because all the gummies were the same colour, and that colour wasn’t blue. 

Oh Henry’s were confiscated on the basis that the name is something someone might yell to their partner during sex, and after a bit more thought, Bailey decided Snickers and Reese’s were also out since her kid, though not allergic, should not be taught to put nuts in her mouth. M&Ms were treated with particular harshness after their recent failure to adequately reinforce gender stereotypes, but Bailey missed the baggie of cannabis-laced brownies from their weird neighbour across the street.

Ironically, research overwhelmingly shows rainbow Twizzlers to be so revolting and nauseating that they are in fact the only effective form of conversion therapy. The package that Bailey removed is believed to have been the only thing standing between Charlene and her eventual realization that she is non-binary.

When the sorting was finished, Charlene was dismayed to see the sorry pile of Kit Kat’s and Tootsie Rolls that remained, Bailey assured her that it was for her own safety, and that anyway, she would get to enjoy the confiscated treats as part of a very small daily allotment to build up her tolerance to tolerance.