Orillia, ON – What began as one quarantined woman’s attempt at bringing yet another sourdough bread into the world, has ended in tragedy as the severely disfigured loaf is currently being unceremoniously buried under the dark cover of night.
“I just don’t know what went wrong” muttered Heidi McLintok as she fastened her cloak and began trudging through the wilderness, her loaf bundled in what appeared to be a burlap sack. “Six days. Six days I spent tirelessly feeding my starter and watching it grow. And for what? I did everything according to the recipe but look at it. No one would ever click like on this abomination.”
According to McLintok, the loaf suffered many defects that left it unviable and ungramable at its time of completion, reportedly letting out a loud shriek before deflating into a misshapen blob seconds after leaving the oven. Though it may have been a difficult decision, deep down, McLintok believes she is doing what’s right.
“This just seemed like the best option” huffed McLintok between deep spikes of her shovel “ I wish things ended differently but everyone is posting pictures of their beautiful bundles of joy and I just don’t want that… thing associated with me” She added, her words slightly muffled as she clenched a flashlight between her teeth.
McLintok then lowered her malformed bread into a shallow, unmarked grave and exited the woods, pausing only to make sure no one had witnessed her callous abandonment or heard her loaf’s muffled cries of ‘mommy?’ before returning home as though nothing had happened.
This isn’t the first time McLintok has taken a bread’s life. She already has several banana breads hidden in her freezer and part of a cornbread in her crawl space. But she is sure the home made donuts she is planning to make tomorrow “will be great.”