Local dog certain you'd be much happier if he had your burger - The Beaverton

Local dog certain you’d be much happier if he had your burger

YOUR LIVING ROOM – Your loving and loyal canine companion Rusty knows for a fact that everyone would benefit from you giving him your burger, and he’s confident he can convince you of that if you’ll just listen to reason.

“It’s well-known that I am a very good dog, yes I am, I am a very good dog,” Rusty explains while not breaking eye-contact with the burger. “As a very good dog, yes I am, such a good dog, I think it’s only fair that your burger become my burger.”

The burger in question, brought by a stranger Rusty heroically frightened off by barking frantically during the entire delivery process, contains not only tasty beef but also cheese, a Rusty enjoys so greatly he has on occasion been willing to eat it without removing its plastic packaging first. Rusty feels that this burger was clearly meant for him and while he loves you with every fibre of his being, he still believes the burger should be his.

“As a good and pretty boy, such a pretty boy, such a good boy, it’s obvious that I would enjoy the burger more and I want the burger more, so the burger should be handed over to me,” Rusty continues, watching intently as you take a bite of what he remains convinced would be better off as his burger.

“I want the burger not just for my own sake, the sake of a good and special boy, but because I know for a fact that you would also be happier if the burger was my burger,” Rusty contends, asking that you please ignore the river of drool that is now cascading from his mouth. “When I’m happy, you’re happy, and since the burger would make me happier than it makes you, logically, you would achieve your maximum happiness if I were the one eating it.”

At press time, the burger was already half eaten and Rusty was considering abandoning reasoned debate in favour of a quick and dirty burger heist.