TORONTO – Despite scientific studies proving otherwise, the Canadian Flaskmakers Association (CFA) continues to assert that its product is a normal beverage container and not one used 100% of the time for sneaky drinking.
The CFA is in legal troubles after the provincial government attempted to ban flasks, claiming they were an instrument for circumventing public drinking laws and not, as the CFA claims, a “fun drink cup with a funky flasky shape!”
“Look at these nice people enjoying a flask of lemonade at a picnic,” said Flask Association lawyer Barry Motz during a recent hearing while pointing at a picture of smiling families raising flasks in a toast. “None of them are ashamed of what they are doing in the least!”
Motz then tearfully showed the court his flask, that his grandfather had engraved with the words, “To my grandson Barry,” and then written in sharpie, “for openly drinking water”.
The CFA website features many pictures of flasks being used in innocuous situations, including a man feeding his dog water from a flask, a tray of snugly stacked flasks containing grape juice being presented to children at school, and a baby giggling while sipping from its flask of milk.
The prosecutor Sandra Feldmann countered the Association’s claims by pointing out that not only are flasks used almost exclusively for drinking alcohol, it is also almost always used “to do something super creepy, like drinking in the bathroom at a funeral, pouring whiskey on your cornflakes, or holding it up next to your face while winking at children”
Following the flask hearing, a similar suit was scheduled in which the pipe industry tried to claim that lots of non-university professors used their product for tobacco, and not marijuana.