MONTREAL — In a seemingly never-ending sequence of horrible moments, a first date between Melanie Tremblant and Danny Simpson has just entered its 7,200th second and currently shows no signs of ending any time soon.
The date, which began with a cringe worthy handshake/hug miscommunication, went downhill immediately, with Melanie mentioning that she was still not over her ex by second number 345, and Danny making an ill-advised joke about the #MeToo movement around second number 1,032. However, by that point, both had received full drinks and were stuck making forced conversation while trying not to check their phones every five minutes.
“Around the 4,560th second, the server asked us if we wanted another drink,” recounted Tremblant, hiding in a washroom stall for the fifth time that night. “And we were both too polite to say no, because that would have made it obvious that we have nothing in common except our mutual hatred. But oh my god, every second is torture. I’m waiting for a girlfriend to get my texts and call me, saying a family member has died or my cat has escaped.”
Simpson had similar thoughts, stating that although he was not a religious man, he had started praying for the restaurant to catch fire approximately 300 seconds ago.
“I swear I hear a clock ticking somewhere,” he said, looking around desperately while waiting for Tremblant to return to the table. “Is that possible? Am I in some time-warped nightmare? God, I want to wake up so badly!”
“I thought it was weird when the woman waved me over from a dark corner of the restaurant,” said Amy Sherman, the couple’s server who was watching the entire catastrophe. “She asked me to ‘Pretend to cut her off, or push her down the stairs, whichever I was more comfortable with.’ I asked my manager and he said I wasn’t allowed to do either, so instead I’m just watching them mutually suffer. It’s so painful.”
According to sources, the date was still going by second 8,842, by which time both parties had consumed so much alcohol that they were beginning to find each other’s company tolerable.
