Report: Ottawa’s LRT designers inspired by Phoenix pay system - The Beaverton
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Report: Ottawa’s LRT designers inspired by Phoenix pay system

OTTAWA – Designers of Ottawa’s new light rail transit line were reportedly inspired by the ’s dysfunctional pay system for federal public servants.

Documents indicate the French rail company that constructed Confederation Line consulted with IBM on capturing the efficient inefficiencies illustrating “the true spirit of the nation’s capital.”

“Built-in engineering flaws were sporadically placed throughout the entire system,” said Alstom lead designer Francois Martin. “We noticed the pay system always manages to leave people in a massive backlog, like commuters unable to board a crowded train in -20 C weather. Mismanagement and cruelty are its defining features.”

Martin explained that he admired the kafkaesque philosophy guided by Phoenix with the added sadism of promising to improve people’s lives when it only made things much, much worse.

“Don’t want to go back to Blair station because the doors can’t open? Too bad. Still waiting for pay you never received? Deal with it. These are brilliant systems.”

The $2.1 billion price tag for the LRT system nearly matches the $2.2 billion it will take to fix the problem plagued payroll processor, but engineers are confident they can easily waste $100 million more.

In related news, leaders from the municipal, provincial, federal, and National Capital Commission reaffirmed their commitment to make sure nothing works in Ottawa.

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