TORONTO – Facing criticism for insufficient traffic enforcement and an increase in fatalities, the Toronto Police have unveiled a new workshop series for pedestrians, showing them how to die in a socially considerate manner.
“We are fully committed to decreasing the number of pedestrian deaths that receive media attention,” a police spokesperson reported. “It is unacceptable how many Torontonians are late for crossfit due to traffic fatality investigations.”
The workshops will teach non-drivers how to keep their screams within a respectful octave, and which kind of falls lead to a quick, easy-to-clean-up neck break. They workshop ends with a quiz on where to land on the pavement so your blood can drain neatly into a nearby gutter.
Participants also received safety tips, such “as always walk drunk so you can take the blame for being run over”, and “if you’re still breathing, make sure to crawl into a quiet alley to die.”
The program is geared towards at-risk populations like seniors, cyclists, as well as soft-headed little infants, and will lower participants’ chances of ending up on the 6 o’clock news by up to 10 percent.
The curriculum advises participants who prefer not to die by vehicular manslaughter to acquire a car as soon as possible.