VICTORIA – Experts are bracing for a fresh deluge of unused votes from Canada’s federal election to make their way to the ocean and wreak havoc on marine life.
“First-past-the post is a very inefficient system. Depending on the riding, sometimes more than half of the votes are thrown away,” said Dr. Gillian Townsend, a concerned marine biologist. “Those votes have to end up somewhere, and inevitably they end up in Canada’s lakes, rivers, and eventually the ocean.”
While the ballots the votes are cast on are made from biodegradable paper that can be recycled, composted, or made into fun origami hats, the votes themselves are composed of pure political energy which can neither be created nor destroyed.
“Proportional representation systems use nearly every vote, there’s very little waste. But with first-past-the-post, there are millions of unused votes at the end of every election,” said Dr. Townsend. “They’re choking sea birds. They’re being found by the hundreds in the stomachs of beached whales. Pretty much the only thing these votes aren’t affecting is the makeup of the Canadian government.”
“Do you have any idea how many fish have to be dumped back every year because the catch is hopelessly contaminated with votes for the Reform Party from 1993? And people are still discovering eighty-five-year-old votes for the Social Credit Party in their oysters.”
Sadly, a recent effort made by Liberal leader Justin Trudeau to reform and modernize the system that has produced the mass of trashed votes currently swirling off the coast of BC was summarily crushed, by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.