OTTAWA – The Federal election is upon us, and projections show that the Millennial demographic wields considerable power to decide the future Prime Minister. You’re going to need a better excuse than ever not to vote, and we’ve got you covered with this handy list, you lazy son of a bitch.
1) Busy working
This is a great go-to excuse for Millennials, who often hold down multiple jobs to make ends meet in the gig economy. No one will bat an eyebrow if you tell them you were too busy working all day to vote… working at earning a platinum trophy for God of War, that is 😉 Kratos doesn’t need healthcare, and neither do you!
2) Family obligations
No one can argue with a family emergency, so feel free to throw your grandma under the bus by pulling a small scale Jussie Smollett and telling everyone she got hit by a racist bus. This will garner enough sympathy to get you through the dark, Draconian years ahead.
3) Didn’t receive registration card in the mail
If you’re smart, the last time you moved you didn’t update to your new address. Simply tell people you couldn’t vote because the government dropped the ball. And if a “friend” informs you that only two forms of photo ID and a piece of mail are required to vote, plug your ears and shout LA LA LA until the election is over and arts funding ceases to exist.
4) Mysterious ailment
If you head over to WEB MD, you can probably find a nice disease with few visible symptoms that you can hang the excuse on. This one is extra effective because not only do you dodge your civic duty, but you’ll actually snag some bonus sympathy. Nice one, you democracy-eroding motherfucker!
5) Democracy is a sham, perpetrated by a hidden oligarchy
Nihilism isn’t just for thugs in The Big Lebowski. It’s a powerful tool to excuse apathy, and it doesn’t have to just be for Gen X-ers. Lean into this one hard by mentioning you camped in a park during the 1% protests, and write articles for a left-leaning satire news website. You’re gonna need that income when minimum wage is frozen for the next 10 years.