by Professor H.H. Montgomery
As a scientist, I grapple every day with the large questions about the nature of reality and try to find answers to the BIG questions. And so I am pleased to be able to tell you that those photos you saw of me cavorting with another woman can be perfectly understood via the Multiple Universes Theory, Linda.
I’ll try to simplify since you usually don’t understand these things. The theory posits that each time one of us chooses to act in a certain way, separate universes are created which branches off our own where we chose to proceed in a different way. When I turn left, another universe is created where a different version of me chose to turn right instead. Or where I chose to remain faithful to my loving wife, like in this universe, another despicable version of me decided to have a fling with a cafeteria worker at the campus commissary. I mean it almost makes too much sense.
Oh Linda, can’t you see how elegantly it explains those photos your friend Charlene sent you the other day? A man of my stature and intelligence would never have been foolish enough to be caught with another woman on the same train Charlene takes home from work every day. Clearly when I told you I was working late again for the fifth night in a row, a separate universe was created where I spontaneously decided to abandon my marital vows and go to a cheap motel with a 21 year old.
A different version of me, I should stress.
Oh the possibilities! A version of me where I became a professional pianist instead of a theoretical physicist. Or one where I remembered to shower as soon as I came home before getting into bed with you. Or even one where you cheated on me. How dare you!
But how did Charlene see it and take those photos, you may ask. A brilliant question, Linda. Truly it shows that we were made for each other and that I would never leave you. Perhaps she saw through a temporary fold in the universe itself and caught a brief glimpse of the mirror version of me. Does that make sense? No? Well, look, the science is unclear. We could discuss hypotheticals for days.
Or maybe, more disturbingly, this horrid alternate Professor Montgomery somehow managed to breach the quantum barrier and cross over to our world with his mistress in tow. And in so doing, hacked my cell phone and inserted all those text messages and pictures of my genitals. In fact, I believe I may have been affected directly by such a breach, which explains how I suddenly and inexplicably smelled like women’s perfume last night. Oh dear, Linda. This unsettling possibility bears further investigation. As usual I will be working late while I look into this some more. I will be out at least until 11:30.
Do you realize what this all means, Linda? It means that there are infinite versions of me out there. Most of whom certainly would never think of cheating on you. There is even a universe out there where Charlene never saw what she saw on the bus last night and didn’t take any pictures at all.
What a truly wonderful universe that would be. Truly wonderful.