TORONTO – After a shopping trip to the Eaton Centre earlier today, Michelle Johnson returned home with yet another book on productivity to add to her already vast collection of never finished books on the subject.
Johnson, a student and part time server, is notorious for purchasing, briefly reading, and absolutely never reaching the last chapter of such books as, How to Get Things Done, The Productivity Project, and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, to name a few.
“I’m really excited about this new book,” stated Johnson, as she sat amongst towering stacks of half-read and dust covered productivity guides, “I think it’s really going to turn things around for me with things like follow through and task completion.”
Johnson maintains a consistency in her failure to finish productivity books in other areas of her life as well. Her apartment is littered with half-completed vision boards, piles of clothes that she was going to kondo but didn’t, and hundreds of to-do lists that only have “write to do list” crossed off.
“I’ve never seen so many books pertaining to one single subject,” stated Johnson’s concerned friend Marsha Bernard, “especially for someone who’s as lethargic and unproductive as Michelle.”
Johnson appeared surprisingly hopeful about the habits she will garner from her new book, despite being surrounded by dozens of productivity books, some dog-eared and others still in their plastic-wrap that provide essentially the exact same information.
“I guess I’d just rather be on my phone or re-watching old episodes of Gossip Girl,” stated Johnson when pressed for further details on why she never finishes the books, “but I think this new one is going to hold the secret, it’s not The Secret though. I never finished that one.”
On average, Johnson will read a third of whatever productivity book she just picked up but often times she’ll only get through the first chapter or in one shocking case, just half a page.
“She comes in here every week or so,” stated Chapters employee Richard Yang, “and she picks up whatever Heather’s latest pick is for self-motivation or improved work performance. You’d think at this point she would’ve figured it out but I’m pretty confident that she’s just not reading them.”
Reportedly, Johnson supplements her productivity books with half watched ted-talks, CEO interviews, and online articles pertaining to the subject but, as the with the books, she never manages to finish any of them either.
At press time, Yang stated, “I put a new book aside for her that I think might be helpful, it’s called, Admit It: You’re Just Lazy.”