VANCOUVER – An official statement from the rest of Canada addressed to the city of Vancouver was released yesterday, acknowledging that while the quality and taste of the municipality’s Japanese cuisine is superior, it does not mean they have to be assholes about it.
“Please stop saying your sushi is better, we know,” the statement reads. “We never said it wasn’t and it hurts our feelings that you keep bringing it up.”
The letter went on to highlight how each province and territory is special in its own way. It also suggested that Vancouver should be modest about its talents and privileges, like how Manitoba is with their cheap phone bundles and how Ontario was with their student loan plans.
“I had one friend from Vancouver who refused to eat sushi when we went out because it wasn’t authentic enough,” Ontarian Celeste Wan tweeted in support of the address. “And that was when we were backpacking in Japan!”
“We’re sooo sorry our sushi is so good and you have to lean on teriyaki sauce for anything to be remotely flavourful,” responded notable Vancouver foodstagrammer Julie Mactavish-Lee (@thatsushibitchjulie). “It’s not our fault you guys don’t have our high quality seafood and we as Vancouverites are all born with well-developed taste palates and sensitivities to artificial umami.”
Sushi sales in Vancouver are still at an all time high despite the backlash from the online community and the rising popularity of poke restaurants with bad puns in their name. The city has yet to release an official apology due to the fact that their representative was too busy working 3 jobs to pay rent.