TORONTO – Ontario Hospitals and Pharmacies formally announced their plans to cut costs and benefit the taxpayer by switching all medicines and therapies to Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“This truly is a patient-centric move, and will ensure not only excellent care, but consumer choice” Minister of Health and Long-Term Care Christine Elliott made in a statement at Queen’s Park. “You’ve got Fred for chemotherapy, Bamm-Bamm for intensive care, Dino for x-rays, Barney for the burn unit, and Wilma for maternity, the whole gang’s here.”
The announcement came after months of debate between cabinet members, but ultimately landed on chewable vitamins, after it determined that ice water could only treat burns, and not much else.
“I was really worried that this would directly affect my care,” said Mary Bingham, who needs intermittent dialysis 3 times a week, “but then I saw that they had the gummies available too, and I really do love those”. Mary then immediately collapsed on the floor.
The Ford Government’s actions have been criticized by this catch-all approach to public health, as mental health services in particular were replaced with the vitamins and a doctor’s note to apply them through the nose and ears..
“This is a fantastic advantage for the citizens of Ontario, and I have faith in our new deputy Health Minister, the Great Gazoo that the change will be handled seamlessly,” Premier Doug Ford said before gesturing to an empty podium.
The change is the first in a provincial wide plan to unite Ontario’s entire healthcare industry underneath the single Hanna Barbera agency. Leaked documents have shown plans to replace all healthcare workers with re-runs of Scooby Doo.
Starting next month, The Ontario Government will also be replacing the fuel in all ambulances with Yogi Bear Jellystone Jelly.