Peterborough, ON – After a pre-work make out session this morning, local couple Dirk Rosar and Kristen Lamers exchanged what sources are calling “highly ambitious” sexual text messages with each other from 9am to 11am. The texts which promised an intimate and highly imaginative night of love making – one that would be hard to achieve given the realities of a full-work day – have left both hoping for at most standard lovemaking or maybe just an early night.
While the text messages painted a picture of sexual activities that would cover most of their house, incorporate a large variety of food items and several sexual aids, an unnamed source confirms that Lamers’ roommate would be using the living room.
“Dirk was yawning after lunch,” said officemate Sheila Woodcock, who indicated that lunch comprised of a pretty big beef cheese and refried bean burrito. “The idea that he’d be able to walk right in the door, pick up a nude Kristen and immediately begin a stand up 69 seems very far fetched.”
The couple have been together for the last 11 months and while their sex life started quite vigorous, within the last few weeks, reports indicate that it has mostly comprised of the sex move ‘where-you’re-both-laying-in-bed-and-one-person-slides-down-and-the-other-slides-up-and-if-they-finish-hey-that’s-great-but-also-they-can-always-finish-it-later-if-you-want’ which was not referenced in any of the text verbally explicit messages.
When reached for comment Lamers had this to say: “[Dirk] has had some back problems lately, so the idea of him to be on top, thrusting for a long period of time… I’m doubtful he could really ‘pound that poontang until it splashes all over his face’ as he texted.”
At press time, the couple are both pretending their phones are dead.
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