Tweed, ON – After a months long trial, local uncle Herb McKinley has been found guilty of criticizing the Communist Broadcasting Corporation and sentenced to 5 years hard labour in the gulag.
Mckinley was arrested shortly after commenting on the Facebook thread “why does the ‘communist broadcasting corporation’ think they know whats best for me… libtards!!!!” under an article posted by CBC News titled “The Long-Term Health Effects of Consuming Fatty Foods.”
An outpour of sympathy from across the country has come out in support of the ruling.
“You can’t just say that kind of thing in public,” Slave Lake truck driver Harold Cranston whispered in hushed tones “The United People’s Soviet Provinces of Canada would never let it go unpunished.”
“This truly is an unequivocal, and unanimous win for the working people of Canada,” proclaimed CBC Politburo President Catherine Tate. “All workers take pride in the knowledge that Mr. Mckinley will truly learn what it means to be a proletariat.”
Tate then leaped on her desk and sang L’Internationale.
Ted Shaw, McKinley’s supervisor at the local garage where he worked had some strong words on the sentencing.
“This is an outrage,” Shaw said. “The fact that someone could criticize a crown corporation and walk away with anything less than 10 years sends a chill down my spine.”
In the military tribunal’’s final verdict, Commissar of the People’s Justice claimed the sentence would be the first step in “…destroying the insipid and sinister leeching off of labour that the capitalist system perpetuates and promotes.”
“[J]ust like thos [sic] libs to jail n [sic] honest hardworking canadian…sjw garbage… what happened to real men??????,” McKinley posted in the caption under an updated profile picture of his face, taken from the waist.
“It really is a terrible free-speech tragedy,” said nephew James McKinley, “but at least my next 5 Thanksgiving dinners will be bearable.”
The conclusion of the case comes shortly after the scheduled CSIS beheading of local woman Karen Bateman for the crime of tipping workers poorly.