TORONTO – Experts at Health Canada that loneliness is a large factor in proper nutrition, suggesting that Canadians could make huge improvements to their diets, if they stopped being such a loser and made a friend.
Canada Food Guide recommends ‘you should gather your family for every meal’, suggesting those that don’t have family support systems should ‘try getting a life’. It goes on to explain that ‘there are billions of people in the world, so it’s sort of embarrassing you can’t even find enough of them to share a stir fry with you a couple times a week, don’t you agree?’.
The Guide also went on to disparage readers for ‘never leaving the house’ and ‘watching too many baking shows,’ asking them ‘What ever happened to that hobby you were passionate about’, ‘why don’t you ever call your grandmother?’ and ‘have you considered pulling your shit together, you torpid mess?’
The new approach to nutrition takes a personalized tack in an effort to seem more approachable to less health conscious citizens. Readers who enjoy the full food guide can explore topics like ‘Why do you keep getting passed over for a promotion’ and ‘Why does everyone you care about always leave?’.
Many people, including nutrition professor at the University of Toronto, Lydia Black, applaud the food guide for recognizing the foremost factor in good nutrition. “Science has proven that lonely people without friends, family, or acquaintances, are tragic. If we tell them they’re tragic, maybe they’ll stop and think ‘Wow, what if I was less tragic?’”. Black was a consulting expert that helped contribute to a section in the guide titled “You’re tragic”.
Black believes this guide will have a massive impact on the population, adding “I have tons of friends, and that’s why I eat half a plate of salad.”
The revamped Food Guide is the first part of a new federal wellness initiative. This spring, Canadians can look forward to the next healthy living guide, ‘Get A Therapist, You Miserable Waste’.