Liberals propose generous "Eat Shit and Die" bill to striking Canada Post union - The Beaverton
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Liberals propose generous “Eat Shit and Die” bill to striking Canada Post union

OTTAWA – Citing her party’s strong support for organized and workers’ rights, Minister of Employment, Workforce Development and Patty Hajdu tabled the generous “Eat Shit and Die” bill to resolve the strike dispute.

Minister Hajdu asserted her hopes that this kind and benevolent legislation will help thousands of wayward Canada Post employees “shut the fuck up about pay equity, workplace safety, forced overtime and other whiny dumb baby bullshit” as they are gently encouraged back to work after 5 weeks of rotating strikes.

“This is a grotesque violation of our constitutional rights,” said Canadian of Postal Workers () president Mike Palecek.“It is unconscionable that a government that pretends to care about workers…” he added before a bag was thrown on his head and he was shoved into the back of a van emblazoned with a big red L.

The also tabled a motion to pass the bill at an accelerated time frame, circumventing the normal weeks-long, three stages of readings and committee hearings. Hajdu explained that this was “to get this shit done lickey split. Kneecap these labour bitches right before , then let them grovel for a collective bargaining agreement in January once their leverage is as weak as Tony Clement’s impulse control.”

At press time Prime Minister release an apologetic statement, explaining “We are deeply sorry to and our other online retailer allies that may have suffered at the hands of those cruel CUPW brutes. Now that they have eaten shit and died they will no longer stand in the way of corporate profits. Happy Holidays everyone!”

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