OTTAWA – Following last week’s announcement that Maxime Bernier’s new political party will be known as the People’s Party of Canada, Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer has spoken out against the name, calling it “offensive to marionettes and other puppets”.
“Mr. Bernier’s new party confuses voters, recklessly encourages bigotry and, worst of all, excludes the many hard working Canadians who are secretly a flippity floppity puppet,” said Scheer, who has publicly denied being a member of the puppet community. “All puppets want is to be accepted and left in peace to have someone’s arm shoved up inside them or their strings pulled in a merry dance.”
Scheer’s office has released a list of suggested alternative names, including “Humanoid Figures Party of Canada”, “Sentient Beings Party of Canada”, and “maybe just don’t have a new party of Canada”.
“Bernier wants all Canadians to be the same beige tubes of flesh, but what about those among us that are beige tubes of intricately carved wood with strings attached?” Scheer continued. “Just because our actions are controlled by an unseen puppetmaster, doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings too! — I mean ‘they’.”
At that point in the interview, Scheer suddenly went limp, as though controlled by an external force, then began to dance a merry jig, while shouting “I’m a real boy!”
Despite his support for Canadian marionettes, Scheer ended the press conference by warning against the dangers of imported puppets from foreign lands, and announced his plans to end automatic citizenship for those carved in Canada from immigrant lumber.