OTTAWA – One of the world’s largest pharmaceutical corporations issued a reassuring statement about availability of one of its most profitable and therefore life-saving prescription drugs to those who can no longer purchase EpiPens in Canada.
“I want to assure those who are deadly allergic to bug bites, nuts, or penicillin that pharmacies across the country are well stocked if they’re ever experiencing erectile dysfunction,” explained Pfizer Canada President John Helou. “Our supply chain for Viagra is protected from any unforeseen events from earthquakes to plagues of locusts. As a precaution, we are sending even more of our ED pills to stock the shelves where our EpiPens used to be.”
The corporation responsible for sole-sourcing every adrenaline autoinjector in Canada says that the situation could have been made better if EpiPens made the company billions more in profit and prescriptions could be filled weekly instead of every 18 months.
“We have considered an EpiPen marketing campaign in Canada, but bee sting allergies have absolutely no sex appeal that doesn’t sell,” added Helou. “On the other hand, a commercial where men frolic down a street because they got laid the other night thanks to our drug…now that works.”
In a further statement, the international conglomerate that earned $53 billion US in 2017 said that they would have done something to respond to the shortage had they not been distracted by legal action to prevent impoverished countries from accessing cheaper generic drugs.
