TORONTO – According to damning and indisputable evidence, the son of a bitch who waited until just before departure to sit in the empty seat next to you on the plane is almost certainly an uncaring monster.
Said “person” was first spotted at 2:05 pm, well after the rest of the passengers in row 7 had taken their seats and stowed their bags. This indicated that the servant of Satan had probably already caused the flight to be delayed, making it immediately clear that their time was worth far more than every other passenger on the flight, or possibly any flight to have graced the skies. Several flight attendants described the scum-sucking sea creature as “a little harried” and “sorry.” But the goblin’s faux-bashful declaration that “I think the (long-empty) middle seat is mine” confirmed that their soul was as empty as the dream you once held for a nice flight.
The pox-ridden wretch shoved their carry-on bag under the seat, undoubtedly filled with severed heads. Then the meatbag began wistfully looking at pictures on their mobile phone shortly before takeoff in a phony attempt to appear human while using both fucking armrests. But the family on screen was clearly being held against their will and had been forced to have a number of holidays with this hellspawn.
Theories as to why this demon dressed as a human would wait so long to board varied from a delayed connecting flight to cleaning up after a murder. Internal studies indicate that a person who gives a passenger that level of hope only to crush it by squeezing them against the window on this stupid plane is statistically likely to be an unrepentant asshole and most definitely mean to pets.
As of takeoff reports had come in that the plane’s movie and WiFi service were not functioning and that you forgot your iPad. Psycho-boy has also introduced himself as “Carl” and he appears to be a goddamn talker.
