HOLLYWOOD – A Netflix producer is facing charges after being caught dumping a number of god-awful movies into a local river.
Residents began to report an excremental stench several weeks ago and made a number of complaints to the authorities. Jessica Chamberlain said she first noticed an issue while walking her dog. “I was down at the river with my pooch and saw he’d grabbed a really awful looking thing out of the water. I bent down for a closer look and he was chewing some sort of a Jon Voight and Tara Reid sci-fi action thriller set in an alternate future where Canada won the civil war. Who the hell decided that was a good idea?”
Police launched an investigation, which soon led to the producer being caught in the act tossing a trilogy of Vince Vaughn/Mel Gibson buddy cop movies directly into the waterway.
Parents with children at an elementary school near the river are outraged. “What would’ve happened if my son had picked up one of these “erotic thrillers” starring the remaining cast of Night Court?” questioned Sean Lund, father of 8 year old Apothekary Tohmatoe Lund. “Can you imagine what that could do to a child’s development? This level of negligent filmmaking should never be allowed.”
Environmentalists expressed concern that this level of contamination to the stream and ecosystem could have drastic unforeseen effects. Many warned that the movies could begin breeding among themselves, leading to “horrific” crossover events that no one asked for.
Netflix released a statement apologizing for the producer’s actions. “Here at Netflix we strive to deliver content that our secret byzantine algorithm thinks consumers want. And any of these movies could have easily and safely been placed in a viewer’s recommendations after they ‘ironically’ watched Bright.”
The investigation and upcoming trial is already being made into a 10-part true crime series that will debut on the streaming service next year.
