OAKVILLE – Visitors to a local Tim Hortons franchise were disturbed and appalled to see resident Thomas McNaughton eating one of Tim’s new poutines, a decision they truly hoped was the result of him going through a dark period.
“I guess it’s possible someone who is not in the middle of a crisis could order a poutine at Tim Hortons,” said Cindy Jefferson as McNaughton shovelled potato wedges covered in a brown sauce with “cheese” into his mouth. “But frankly that makes me too sad to even consider.”
“I’m just going to assume he recently lost his job or suffered the death of a family member, as that is way less disturbing.”
McNaughton did not appear to notice the eyes of everyone else in the one-time beloved Canadian institution staring at him as he consumed the dish. His gaze never glanced upward, which could suggest that he is currently in a bad place like everyone hopes. But it could also just mean that he did not want to see anyone see him eat a poutine at fucking Tim Hortons.
“The idea that eating Tim Hortons poutine may be just a regular part of an otherwise unremarkable week is actually terrifying to me,” said Tim Hortons employee Sarah Ash.
“Honestly every time someone orders one of these my first instinct is to ask them if they need someone to talk to.”
Tim Horton’s isn’t stopping with sad poutine however. It has already planned a new line of food items that capitalize on the horrible depression that consumes so many of us, including a sorry about your divorce bagel belt stuffed with onion rings, and a specialty ‘the test was positive’ boston cream donut.