TORONTO – Former University of Toronto Professor Jordan Peterson, known best for lionizing patriarchal structure, denouncing the existence of white privilege, and refusing to use gender neutral pronouns, continued to make waves today after releasing a new work that maintains that all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
According to statistics provided by Amazon.com in just six hours, the book, titled Big Boys Don’t Meow, has sold 100,000 copies to straight white men who borrowed their mother’s credit cards. The insert reads “Dogs understand order. Like men, they strive to follow the twelve rules of life inherently.” After a brief endorsement from Air Bud, the quote continues, “Cats are chaotic. They push glasses off of tables. They don’t come when they are called. They hiss at me when I try to pet them. That is how I know they are all women.” Hardcover copies include a fold-out photo of Peterson looking solemn with a tennis ball in his mouth.
Excerpts from the book have already been posted online. One passage tweeted by @wellactually from Chapter Three: You Can’t Spell Women Without Meow, reads, “Cats are the sexy ones. That’s the main way you know they’re girls. In cartoons they are always swishing their tails as if they are hips and batting their eyelashes like a hot lady.” A threaded tweet reveals a footnote that reads “You ever see a boy dress as a cat for halloween? Boom!” The tweet has been shared over ten thousand times.
Later chapters double down on historical context, with Chapter Seven: Barking at the Male Man directly citing the classics. “As Homer observed in The Iliad via Odysseus’s faithful canine Argos,” Peterson writes, “cultural myths of canines as inherently male have long served to reinforce nature’s hierarchies, whereas felines’ inherently smaller brain sizes when compared to dogs prove via phrenological analysis that women have poorer cognitive reasoning skills, which as you can see I have just proved using the scientific method (which is supported by the Pythagorean theorem).”
Peterson continues to assert that “all cats are postmodern marxists” by pointing to several crude drawings of dog skulls and cat skulls labelled ‘big = big brain’ and ‘small = small brain’. At this point he delivers his final blow: “Let us not forget that ‘dog’ is ‘God’ spelled backwards, and God is for sure a man. Case closed.”
Some men’s rights activists have already begun aggressive online campaigns asserting that one cat should be paired with every pitbull to curb any violent tendencies in a practice they have labelled ‘Enforced Meownogamy.’ Other MRA’s have formed a picket line outside of Neil Simon Theatre in New York, protesting CATS as feminist propaganda.
Peterson’s fans almost shut down Reddit’s servers with requests that he re-open his $200.00 45 minute skype sessions- this time for family pets. One post on /r/mouthbreather states “my birdbreath sister named our dog ruby and now i’m worried he has been pushed out of a state of mental health. A session with u could rlly help!! Pls respond by 8:30PM because my bedtime is 9.”
When contacted for a comment, Peterson sent only a series witch photos pulled from Google Images with all cats circled with a sharpie.