PETERBOROUGH–Reports have confirmed that the recent scandal around beloved comedian Louis C.K.’s behavior is the one and only thing keeping local man Rick Ergin from rubbing one out at work literally right this second.
“Look, I know it’s inconsiderate,” Ergin explained, “But if I could just shut the blinds to my office and let loose for a little, I would be on it, if not for this whole Louie thing.”
The controversy is the result of numerous reports from women who say C.K. masturbated in front of them after cornering them in situations that at first seemed professional, facts that are the sole reason Ergin is not pleasuring himself as you read these very words.
Recent reports suggest Ergin is not the only one whose behaviour has changed in light of the scandal. All across the country, men have advised reporters that they would refrain from jerking off in the office like normal until they were absolutely sure most people had gone home for the night.
“Don’t get me wrong, I really, really love jerking off at work,” Ergin reiterated to sources. “But in reading all about this story with C.K., I realized that if someone came in and saw me, or realized I was doing it, it would make them super uncomfortable. So I’ve decided not to. But let me be clear, there is literally no other reason I am not masturbating myself to completion at this moment.”
At press time, Ergin was on his way home from work, having shouted over his shoulder for nobody to call him while he was driving.