Famous comedian accused of sexual assault. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one. - The Beaverton

Famous comedian accused of sexual assault. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one.

EVERYWHERE – Reports have emerged over the past week of a famous comedian having committed sexual assault on one or more people. Sources indicate that, no, it’s not that famous comedian – the other one. No, not him either. It’s another, different one this time.

Experts agree that it would be wholly appropriate for the public to assume that these latest revelations are with regard to Bill Cosby, Louis C.K., Andy Dick , or any number of the other, shockingly high number of comedians who have been outed as sexual predators. However, those same experts are now striving to make clear that this is, in fact, another famous comedian who everyone previously thought was pretty normal. The confusion is likely due to the fact that this new individual is accused of doing the same goddamn thing as all the rest.

“Unfortunately, the combination of subtle self-loathing and low self-esteem that often makes for talented comics also often causes those same people to lash out in an inappropriate sexual fashion,” said Officer Dale Samson of the police force for wherever it is this latest famous asshole lives, “this contributes to the problem of people assuming that one sexual deviant with a background in comedy is the same one everyone is talking about now. But in reality, it’s just another guy.”

Further complicating matters is the plethora of famous people who dabble in both drama and comedy and who also have been revealed as gross monsters, such as Jeremy Piven or Jeffrey Tambor. What remains true is that this latest person isn’t those guys but is yet one more in a list of people people know is just going to get longer.

“I wholeheartedly apologize for the way my actions were perceived. You see I thought they were funny and harmless because I’m usually quite funny and people know I tell jokes. And while I still think that way, I realize now that my show is cancelled that they are not,” said the comedian who will probably bounce back within five years.

In related news, I wouldn’t get too invested in any tv shows anytime soon since next week’s unveiled offender is probably going to make you feel real guilty about enjoying them.

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