TORONTO – After a nearly 30% decline in value, realtors across Toronto are concerned that if the market continues to falter someday in the near future everyone could afford a house.
“I don’t want to alarm anybody, but this is happening as we speak,” said Parkdale realtor Carol Mert. “If we can’t pull out of this tailspin three, even four million people could suddenly find themselves with a roof over their heads.”
“The situation is that dire.”
House scientists say that Ontario must jack the housing market back up within the next week if this calamity is to be avoided. Recommendations ranged from rescinding the foreign buyers tax to burning down 20% of the homes in the GTA, but if something isn’t done soon Toronto will be looking at a city full of homeowners.
“When we say ‘everyone’ we don’t just mean lawyers and people with rich parents. I’m talking construction workers, grocery store managers, even artists taking out bank loans to purchase property and then paying off the loan over the course of several decades,” said Mert, to Ontario housing officials. “Next thing you know they’re raising families, hosting dinner parties, planting fucking gardens.”
“Do you want that on your hands? Do you?!”
The government is preparing to intervene in an attempt to avoid a repeat of the late-1970s bust, which led to a massive increase in minorities owning homes.