HALIFAX – After seeing several news reports stating upwards of 30 million Americans could lose health insurance, local man Oscar Mcallister says he’s proud to live in a country where only the poorest 3.5 million cannot afford prescription drugs.
“All this stuff happening south of the border,” said Mcallister, tut-tutting. “It really makes you appreciate having a first-class healthcare system that only occasionally kills the poor and underprivileged.”
Canada, which has only the second highest medication costs in the world, is often lauded for having a system that provides middle-notch healthcare to most citizens. The tragedy currently unfolding in the United States has once again proven that Canada doesn’t need to do or improve anything ever again.
“Thanks to universal healthcare you can walk into any hospital in this great nation and be seen by a doctor within only several hours,” said Mcallister, his national pride visibly swelling. “And then you can walk right out and spend $800 a month on the medication that you need to live.”
“And if you can’t? Well come on, a universal system can’t cover everything.”
Canadians everywhere have been congratulating each other on inheriting healthcare infrastructure that works nearly the majority of the time as long as you don’t need dental work, or eye care, or have diabetes, or lupus, or MS, or depression, or any other chronic condition, or live in an Indigenous community.
“I heard that retired Americans sometimes have to spend over $10,000 a year on out-of-pocket medical expenses,” said Mcallister, shaking his head. “That’s insane! Canada only makes our elderly pay $5,400 a year from their fixed incomes.”
At press time, Canada was also patting itself on the back for selling slightly fewer weapons to Saudi Arabia than the US.