TORONTO – The Metropolitan Feline Police Force is warning cats that, despite their best investigative efforts, the suspect known only as “the glowing red dot” has yet to be captured.
“The glowing red dot has once again slipped through our paws,” admitted Chief Investigator Mittens. The decorated cat law enforcement official spoke frankly to an assembly of cat journalists, many of who wore small fedoras with tiny press passes, as he recounted the “red dot” investigation.
“We fear the red dot could strike again at any moment, perhaps while a cat is just sitting there on the couch or lying in a sunbeam.” Mittens then urged cats to guard their favourite toys and treats, and to remain cautious when interacting with humans – known associates of the Red Dot.
Eyewitnesses report cat police officers had cornered the elusive Red Dot in an open bedroom closet, after responding to a Cat 911 call. However, before cat officers could subdue the Dot, they were shocked to discover that it had escaped from the closet.
“The Cat Cops freaked out when they realized the Red Dot was behind them,” recalled Mister Whiskers, an eye witness. “They tried to chase him around the bedroom, but eventually they got tired and had a nap. For this I pay cat taxes?”
Asked about rumors that the glowing red dot had proven impervious to physical harm, Chief Mittens offered a terse “No comment.” He did go on to describe the red dot as “impossibly fast,” cautioning cat citizens to presume that the dot is “armed and dangerous”.
Chief Mittens then turned the press conference over to Lead Detective Frodo Baggins. “We are urging cat citizens not to engage, no matter how tempting it is to chase the red dot, or how certain you are that this time you’ll be able to catch him underneath your paws.” Frodo then played surveillance footage of the red dot, which prompted several cat journalists to leap out of their tiny chairs and paw at the screen.
Cat Detectives have announced plans to canvass door to door for clues as to the Red Dot’s whereabouts, just as soon as their humans let them outside.
