All you 90’s kids better get hella excited, because you’re about to get hit with a major nostalgia bomb. This week, the All-Russia State Television Company announced that they’re bringing back the hit kids show “Education with Oksana and Michail!”
“We are most excited that Oksana and Michail will once again be teaching the children of the world strength and obedience,” said one official in a press release. “We expect that broadcasting companies everywhere will agree. This would be most beneficial.”
It’s been almost twenty years since ‘Education’ was on the air, but every kid who grew up eating Lunchables and listening to Boys II Men remembers when the Cold War ended in 1991 and the rad Russian show first annexed our TV screens.
“I know I’m pumped” exclaimed Buzzfeed writer Jerry Greer. “This show was a cultural milestone for my generation, and we’re putting together a list of thirty classic episodes to get folks excited. There’s the watercolours episode, the one where Michail buries a reporter alive, and who can forget the Mr. Dressup crossover?”
“This Tickle Trunk intrigues us, we wish to know its secrets,” said Oksana in the much beloved 1993 classic ‘Enhanced Interrogation’. “If you will not speak, perhaps Michail can provide new costume of jumper cables. You have never worn this before, no?”
It’s not just Oksana and Michail who are back, they’re bringing the whole gang to help oppress LGBTQ groups and slander the mainstream media. There’s Boris, the Bear Who Takes For He Can For He is Powerful, and Vlad the Evil Chechen, who has been updated for the times as a bumbling serf.
The show will now also feature a rotating cast of women who all claim to have been very sexually satisfied by Russian President Vladimir Putin.
“Now that I have my own kids, I worry about what they’re watching when I’m not around,” said Edmonton woman Gloria Dresden. “But now that ‘O and M’ is back, I can rest assured that my kids will learn how identify and mercilessly dispatch enemies of the glorious motherland.”
It’s hard to get any more excited, but don’t think we didn’t save the best news for last. Everyone’s favorite segment, Deep Mental Conditioning, is still in the show! If you just said Zircon Crimson Ganymede out loud, you might just be a 90’s kid.
