CORNWALL, ON – After years of living in fear of being shot at by ubiquitous snapping turtle hunters, Rex Murphy can finally enter Canada’s most populous province again following a decision by the Ontario government to permanently ban the hunting of snapping turtles.
“This ban will ensure the long-term sustainability of snapping turtles,” says Minister of Natural Resources and Forestry Kathryn McGarry. “It will also get people to stop shooting at Rex Murphy.”
Early this morning Murphy walked over the border from Quebec into Ontario and kissed the ground, before a loud noise caused him to look around in panic. He no doubt feared that a rogue snapping turtle hunter had once again mistook him for the at-risk reptile.
“The first incident where an Upper Canadian sportsman confounded me for a reptile of a chelonian persuasion was in 1971,” said Murphy, partially submerged in a pond. “Since that fate-stricken day I have been too daunted by the prospect of a projectile disturbing the sanctity of my body to dare traverse into the confines of our most populous province.”
It has been a difficult 46 years for Murphy, who has been employed by the CBC, National Post and Globe and Mail during this period but has had to do his work remotely without entering Ontario, where these media outlets are based.
This problem is compounded by Rex Murphy’s need to hibernate in the winter months when ice covers the pond where he lives. “Every fall Rex has to stockpile a bunch of rants that can be published during the winter,” explained his personal assistant/veterinarian, Roger Trammell. “He also needs to spend 4-5 hours a day sunning himself on a log, or the words just don’t come out right. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s able to work as much as he does.”
Murphy had mixed feelings about the hunting ban. “While I strongly oppose this overzealous attempt by the eco-fanatical Ontario government to throttle the livelihoods of poor snapping turtle hunters, this narcissistic, self-righteous legislation does allow me to travel to my preferred egg-laying destination, Sandbanks Provincial Park. So I’m grateful for that, I suppose.”
Further information on this story will be available as soon as this reporter gets treatment for his amputated finger, an injury incurred during an incident when a microphone was placed too close to Rex Murphy’s beak.
