Memphis, TN – Millennials are turning to grave robbing and tomb raiding to make ends meet as an ever-increasing number of Baby Boomers attempt take their accumulated wealth with them into the afterlife through the use of lavish tombs, crypts, and pyramids.
“Look, I love my child,” said soon-to-be-dead Baby Boomer Robert Gray. “But the pharaohs were really onto something with their death rituals. Not that mummy stuff. That creeps me out. But the idea of luxury burials. I’m used to a certain level of comfort, and it would be unfair to everyone if I were denied that in death just so my kid can spend more money on emojis and rent and what have you.”
Numerous businesses have sprung up to cater to this new Boomer deathstyle, which can run the gamut from a modest teak coffin studded with conflict-free diamonds sealed in cement, to a 7000 sq.ft. pyramid made of obsidian located in an exclusive gated necropolis. But despite the ongoing efforts of Boomers to hold onto their wealth into grim death and beyond, Millennials remain undeterred.
“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Indiana Jones. Lara Croft. The Mummy movies. I’ve spent hundreds if not thousands of hours in Zelda temples and Skyrim crypts,” said Jessica Gray, 28. “If my father thinks some lame ass dad traps are going to keep me from plundering his McMausoleum and getting my inheritance back, he’s wrong. Dead wrong. Pun intended.”
When reached for comment, members of Gen X were still too traumatized from the death of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain to issue a statement.