Major cookie conglomerate expects record sales thanks to child labour initiative - The Beaverton

Major cookie conglomerate expects record sales thanks to child labour initiative

KITCHENER, ON – Foods CEO Martin Schmitt told investors on a conference call he expects record sales again this year thanks to his company’s use of an unpaid child labour force to sell their pre-packaged sugar delivery systems.

According to Schmitt, “While our factory-made, palm oil drenched treats are delicious, they are not the real stars here. Our ‘’ distribution model is unique” he said, referencing Dare’s deployment of thousands of biscuit-laden sales teams to shopping mall entrances, transit stations and other hard-to-avoid public spaces.

Schmitt said his “Boots On The Ground” strategy ensures every adult will be forced to confront one of the underaged cookie peddlers at least 7 times per year, and drew an analogy to paramilitary checkpoints in conflict zones. Schmitt stated the company refers to these awkward interactions as “Brand Encounters” which make adults choose between face-to-face rejection of a 10-year old girl’s hopes and dreams, or buying a $5 box of . Company studies indicate the have a 97% success rate in this environment.

Schmitt also pointed to a relatively new policy forcing the underage cookie peddlers’ parents to pre-pay the full retail price of their assigned cookie quota as extra leverage that boosts the company’s bottom line. “Parents have zero control over the amount of cookies assigned to them, and must ensure their daughters sell every last box to avoid staggering losses. And then we just keep cranking that quota every quarter. Ingenious!” he intoned while stroking a small hairless cat in his lap.

At press time, Dare’s share price was up 6% on reports the company is also exploring new opportunities in prison food services.