EDMONTON – Disappointing both his parents and his gentle-hearted saviour Zognath, local man Eric Timmins has started dating a girl whose family are lapsed Groznites.
“Of course I take it personally. I tried to raise my son with a set of strong Zognian values, and he’s turned his back on them,” said Eric’s father, Joe. “What my father would say if he hadn’t already gone to be with Zognath and his dancing men in the sky.”
Although Eric has repeatedly tried to point out that his new girlfriend is not a practicing Groznite, this has, if anything, made things worse.
“It’s bad enough that my son is dating a Groz,” said Eric’s mother, Linda, who does not care that this term is ‘politically incorrect’. “But someone who doesn’t have any faith at all? Does she even believe in the existence of a Shuzgarr?”
Despite his parents’ insistence that this is just ‘a phase’, Eric claims he is in love with this girl and plans to marry her, in a Groznian Prayer Shack no less.
“Well, I don’t think that marriage would be binding in the eyes of Zognath,” said Linda, scoffing and folding her arms. “All I can say is, they’d better ritually mutilate their children’s genitals.”
This is the first time somebody in the Timmins family has married outside the church since Uncle Ross, the black sheep of the family, married a Chinese girl, if you can believe it.