OTTAWA – Leaked briefings have revealed Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will unveil legislation that would enable make obtaining and consuming marijuana “even more of a pain in the ass” before Canada Day 2018.
“Under our current system, Canadians must call their ‘guy’ or ‘bud’ to obtain this illicit substance,” reads a statement prepared for the prime minister. “Our government will replace this straightforward process with the reassuring convolution and bloated costs that Canadians are used to when trying to do anything adult or fun.”
The leaked documents show that the provinces will have control of selling in their jurisdiction, to ensure that service and prices remain inconsistent across the country, while also allowing them to make the purchase of cannabis “lame as all hell” in accordance with regional variances that infuriate people the most.
Citing Ontario as an example, a PowerPoint slide details how the legislation would allow the province to “somehow” make the legal purchase of cannabis “as low-priced as the LCBO, with the friendliness and selection of The Beer Store, despite having every opportunity to do otherwise.”
In notes prepared for the Minister of Innovation, Science, and Economic Development, government officials take pain to “reassure Canadians” that their plan “would follow in the tradition of past Liberal governments by doing this in a way that squanders our advantage in this new industry, and that will allow other countries to quickly surpass us in competitiveness and quality.”
The Liberals also promised that they would get around to pardoning the thousands of Canadians with criminal records for marijuana just as soon as their high wore off.