OTTAWA—Top scientists at the Wildlife & Nature Research Institute are now advising members of the public that despite previous statements made by experts extolling the wonder and majesty of the outdoors, in fact “most stuff that is outside is pretty gross and you probably just want to stay away from it and not touch anything.”
The report has shocked members of the public, who for years have proceeded on the assumption that fresh air and exposure to grass, trees, large bodies of water and other natural wonders was an enriching experience.
“Yeah, pretty sure we were wrong about that,” said Director of Research Margaret Chen. “I was looking at a piece of a mushroom yesterday and I could see all the weird squiggly stuff going on in its cells and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? This is so gross.”
“You know how your body is disgusting? Nature is like that but way worse.”
Schools across the country are adjusting their field trip curriculum to better fit with the institute’s advice that children “Stay away from the woods–and all that weird stream water, especially the stuff that gets foamy around rapids. Yuck.” Many chemistry and biology teachers are also removing dissection from their curriculums following an email with the subject line “what the hell is wrong with you sicko?” to the Minister of Education from the institute.
The Institute’s message is especially important as Canadians across the country prepare for maple syrup harvesting, cider making, hayrides and other dangerously nature-oriented activities as fall approaches.
“Look, if you get anywhere near one of those weird trees with sticky stuff coming out of it just keep your hands in your pockets.”
“Also, whatever you do don’t smell the sap. It’ll make you puke and then everyone will laugh at you.”
At press time the Institute wanted to further remind the public that the ocean is full of seaweed and it feels really weird on your feet.